Entertain the Mundane

I think girls are more apt to cheat on their partner emotionally than physically. That’s our high, our rush – our need. We’re all looking for some emotional ride – something new, something – anything – we can get.

Boredom is perhaps my biggest fear – indefinite, impenetrable monotony. It’s different than all other pain – perhaps even worse, in some ways. Because boredom is absence. And we all need our existence acknowledge – first of all by ourselves. But there’s also worse pain – the more ambiguous, more difficult to pinpoint state of feeling less than boredom. The worst thing is to not feel anything. To not even care enough to feel boredom. It’s like not living. It’s like not existing. The thought of an eternity in which I can no longer summon the motivation to feel anything but apathy – that is far more terrifying than the thought of death. I like to think that I could always find something to enjoy, and everything can be rediscovered, and the universe is infinitely creating – faster than I could ever try to keep up with it. But the very idea that I could become an all-knowing or simply perpetually indifferent being is truly petrifying to me.

I think about how I could quite happily dedicate my whole life to being entertained and feel quite reasonably happy. Watching TV, listening to music, attending theme parks and generally not contributing in any way to society – it’s almost fulfilling enough on its own. But could I really do it? Could I really sustain that life? Possibly. If there weren’t the outside pressures, then maybe. They say life is about balancing what others expect from you and what you want for yourself. Sometimes I think the only reason anything ever gets accomplished is because the expectations of others are so strong. If I could turn these off, if I could truly live for myself, then maybe I could live with a life of purely being entertained. Or do I have stronger expectations of myself – expectation that don’t stem from anyone other than me? Or is my goal simply to always chase the next rush?

You, Me and We

You know how sometimes people say they wouldn’t change a thing about you because every piece of you makes you the way you are. That is hogwash. Nobody loves everything about anybody. Everyone has things they would change in others if they were given the chance. But the fact is there are some things that take a long time to change in people and some things you will never change, so it is simply easier to pretend to accept everything about everyone. It certainly takes less effort, and chances are it will save you (and, secondarily, others) some pain. But if you love someone you should be dedicated to changing them, to helping them evolve into better people, and hopefully they do the same for you, and hopefully you evolve with each other, and you both become better people who still love each other. And if we weren’t so selfish and scared, we could accept that maybe we will make each other into different people who don’t need each other, and we could learn to accept that because we are better, stronger people who can find other people who can love us enough – and who we can love enough – to be willing to change each other. And then we would always be growing, always evolving, always improving. And at first I was thinking we don’t do this because we are selfish and don’t want others to grow away from us, or because we are lazy and don’t want to put that much effort in, when it is easier to ride along life as you both are. But really, it is because we’re all paralyzed by fear. And we don’t want ourselves to change because we’re scared we won’t be loved again, and I don’t want you to change because I’m scared you will see all the reasons not to love me, and no one else will ever see the reasons to love me. and when I’m honest – despite all initial denials – I know this isn’t true. I know there are others who can love me. And I know I can teach myself to open up again, can persuade others to see me, can teach them to value me, while finding value in them. But I also know it will take time, and I know it will hurt. And I’m scared of the future because it seems to always get harder, and I keep striking the ground with my heals and grinding into the soil and doing my best not to be pulled anywhere because I’ve been pulled around my whole life, and I’ve forgotten how to lead and I’ve refused to take charge of myself. But you’ve taught me to teach you, and in turn, I’m learning to learn from myself. I’m learning how to pick up my heals. I’m learning to walk by myself. and maybe you’ll follow me. and maybe I’ll follow you. And maybe it doesn’t matter because we’ll always change. But I will always be me, and you will always be you, and in some ways, we’ll never be we, and in other ways we will always be. Maybe we have to be.