Entertain the Mundane

I think girls are more apt to cheat on their partner emotionally than physically. That’s our high, our rush – our need. We’re all looking for some emotional ride – something new, something – anything – we can get.

Boredom is perhaps my biggest fear – indefinite, impenetrable monotony. It’s different than all other pain – perhaps even worse, in some ways. Because boredom is absence. And we all need our existence acknowledge – first of all by ourselves. But there’s also worse pain – the more ambiguous, more difficult to pinpoint state of feeling less than boredom. The worst thing is to not feel anything. To not even care enough to feel boredom. It’s like not living. It’s like not existing. The thought of an eternity in which I can no longer summon the motivation to feel anything but apathy – that is far more terrifying than the thought of death. I like to think that I could always find something to enjoy, and everything can be rediscovered, and the universe is infinitely creating – faster than I could ever try to keep up with it. But the very idea that I could become an all-knowing or simply perpetually indifferent being is truly petrifying to me.

I think about how I could quite happily dedicate my whole life to being entertained and feel quite reasonably happy. Watching TV, listening to music, attending theme parks and generally not contributing in any way to society – it’s almost fulfilling enough on its own. But could I really do it? Could I really sustain that life? Possibly. If there weren’t the outside pressures, then maybe. They say life is about balancing what others expect from you and what you want for yourself. Sometimes I think the only reason anything ever gets accomplished is because the expectations of others are so strong. If I could turn these off, if I could truly live for myself, then maybe I could live with a life of purely being entertained. Or do I have stronger expectations of myself – expectation that don’t stem from anyone other than me? Or is my goal simply to always chase the next rush?