porcelain

the song was empty like we were - our hearts floating through the liquidity of its emptiness. i could feel its waves crashing us together and tearing us apart. in. out. in. out. healing and breaking. it was somewhere within beginning and end. painfully relieving us of thought and feeling. how could we ever be new again? how could we bare to feel again, to breathe again, to live again? we were trapped. no, we were released into an ocean too large to contain us. we drifted through our remains - i through his, he through mine. we did everything but truly feel.

New England Travel

Shelter in all seasons

Beautiful New England offers chilling excitement year-round! Frequently, daring tourists come just for the adventurous winter season. Once here, many ask themselves if they’ll return home or enjoy the crisp winter air all year (conveniently, most flights are cancelled for the winter). But some of New England’s most under-rated seasons come just after this adventure!

Spring: 
 After the rush of winter survival, locals and travelers alike deserve a new challenge, and spring is here just in time! Many aren’t aware that New England’s ground is not always coated in beautiful snow. In fact, after the luxuriously long winter, it offers numerous water activities.

•         Boating. In some states, you may expect to ride your bike to a friend’s house in the calm spring weather. In NE, you get to grab a boat and paddle! You can float right over the streets many used to battle through on snow mobile.

•         Scuba Lessons. Another fun spring activity is scuba diving. That’s right, grab your gear, and you can simply open your back door for an adventure; you never know what you may find right in someone’s lawn!

•         Often, however, you need not look as far as outside of the house for exciting water activities. Check downstairs: your basement may have become your very own inground pool – free of charge! Grab your floaties!

•         It’s true, though. The street may not stay rivers forever, but then you have all sorts of new activities to look forward to…

•         Making pies! What could be more fun than mixing the NE earth with the area’s favorite dessert: mud pies?

•         Those are only one of many fun activates for the children while you experience unforgettable family time as the tow truck pulls your car from the beautiful muddy roads.

•         Constant activity. All the rain has driven away the black flies, but don’t worry, the mosquitoes are still here and bigger than ever! Enjoy a favorite NH pastime, and start a competition with your friends to see who can swat the most. Go ahead; don’t be shy; we’re in no short supply!

Summer:

·         You may associate summer with hot, sunny days at the beach; unfortunately, you are thinking of Florida. In many New England states, you needn’t pack up your scuba gear; that’s right: the rain never left! Spring activities are still available!

•         Entertainment. Don’t worry about feeling obligated to go on boring trips to theme parks and mini golf courses – they’re all conveniently shut down in time for these storms to entertain you!

•         Enjoy the raw, rural beauty of your ancestry. You’ll have plenty of time once the storm eliminates your electricity. Take this opportunity to go ahead and enjoy nature the way God intended: completely soaked.

Happy House

House’s happiness floats just above his head – just out of reach, taunting him by being so painfully close. And yet the control/string is in House’s hand. He could be holding happiness if only he could pull the string, but something stops him. Certainly he’s not incapable of pulling the string (although this may, at times, be his guise). Perhaps he doesn’t want happiness. Part of him doesn’t even believe in its reality. It’s an elusive, helium-filled balloon, which might offer a brief high but would leave him empty in the long-run. And maybe the part of him that does believe in and/or want to obtain happiness is held back by a self-loathing, which tells him he doesn’t deserve happiness or an arrogant mask that says he doesn’t need happiness and is doing fine without it. Part of him thinks he deserves to be tortured by this balloon – this image of something he cannot allow into his life. And so he dangles it close – always in view but never truly in reach.

We can say all these excuses for not pulling the balloon into his hands are the results of his childhood, society or profession. I suppose, ultimately, they are the sum of all his experiences and his birth-given qualities. They create the human condition: a wrestle with a balloon.

Holding On

Everything is traumatizing when you are little. It doesn’t take something big – just a small realization brought on by a small event. Like losing a friend or witnessing your family fighting or breaking your favorite toy or losing sight of your parents in a crowded place. Suddenly the world gets too big and you get too small, and everything changes – cause you thought it was all one way, but then everything flips, and things you thought were unbreakable begin to crack. And it all kind of scares the crap out of you. And then as you get older and you start coming to terms with the fact that this can happen to anything. Well then it starts taking something bigger to make you feel that way again, but make no mistake; you can still feel that way. You can always still feel that way. Because you keep finding things to hold onto because with the world spinning and flip-flopping, you’ve become increasing desperate for a solid foundation. But everything cracks, and eventually the thing you are holding slides from your fingers because nothing in this world is larger than sand, so the tighter your grip the quicker your loss. So maybe the only way to escape the world-upside-down, life-shattering feeling is to embrace that everything is temporary and learn to hold a moment, and learn to let it slip – because this sand will leave your fingers, but new sand will always find them.

Confession

I believe everyone tries to do their best and go from there. That’s why Christianity keeps getting me. It’s the only one true religion – the only way to Heaven but some people never hear about it, some people grow up in other homes and can’t see the difference between it and any other religion. And me – I haven’t lived my life better than any of my friends, I’m not trying any harder, living any holier. Given the knowledge gap, I’m not even proportionally doing as much with what I know as they are with what they know. Many of them are actively seeking a religion, searching for meaning, caring about their souls and all that. And I’m sitting in my room, desperately trying to shut them all out because I’m so confused myself. I’m ashamed of what others have done in the name of Christianity; I’m ashamed that I don’t have the answers (when I should, having had the opportunity for so much knowledge growing up); I’m ashamed that I really don’t understand Christianity and God and Heaven and Hell. I don’t understand eternity. I don’t know if I like any of these things. I’m ashamed that I’m so confused, so lost. I’m ashamed that I can’t hold my own relationship with God (or really, with anyone). I’m ashamed that I feel broken when I can’t find a reason to be. I can’t find the source of my pain. I’m not who I should be. And I‘m scared.

Look into your soul and ask for the holes

We’re all flirting with the darkness inside of ourselves. Maybe because it’s how we can deal with it. And maybe we’re so fascinated with it, so drawn to it – like a child to the flames – because it’s such a strong and suppressed presence within us. We’re these mixtures of good and evil, but so many people go around trying to pretend we’re made up of goodness, and evil is some outside force attacking us. But we know better. We know it’s our insides that tear us apart. And we desire – we need – nothing more than to know ourselves.

Dependence

I haven’t sought You lately – looked for refuge, aid or even conversation. I’ve been locked inside a quiet, timid part of me. And I long desperately – and painfully – to break out – to crash into Your arms and Your plan and a stronger self. I thought I was beginning that I Israel. But now I’m back at school, and here I am – in the exact same, pathetic, self-centered, discontent self. I want to be so much more, but I refuse to make any effort that might cause myself the slightest discomfort. But the truth is that it won’t be comfortable to break out of my shell/bubble, and it won’t be comfortable to break into my new self. And it will probably be quite painful, and I know this. I accept this. In my head, I willingly embrace this because I so long for that new self. But the current me has become such a burden, she has me forgetting what I want, what I ‘m willing to give, who I long to be. She has me forgetting who I can be. She has me trapped in old routines and habits and details. She’s suffocating my future, and it terrifies me. It’s a painful condition – suffocating within this prison.

God, for the first time in a long time, I’m reaching out to You, calling out to You for help – for freedom, for salvation from myself, you are my strength when I am weak, – and God, You see this condition. You know I need You more now than I probably ever have. I know I need Your strength, so infuse me with it, with You. Remind me again to rely on You, to remember my own weakness but not lose hope, but to gain strength from my complete dependence on You.