Confession

I believe everyone tries to do their best and go from there. That’s why Christianity keeps getting me. It’s the only one true religion – the only way to Heaven but some people never hear about it, some people grow up in other homes and can’t see the difference between it and any other religion. And me – I haven’t lived my life better than any of my friends, I’m not trying any harder, living any holier. Given the knowledge gap, I’m not even proportionally doing as much with what I know as they are with what they know. Many of them are actively seeking a religion, searching for meaning, caring about their souls and all that. And I’m sitting in my room, desperately trying to shut them all out because I’m so confused myself. I’m ashamed of what others have done in the name of Christianity; I’m ashamed that I don’t have the answers (when I should, having had the opportunity for so much knowledge growing up); I’m ashamed that I really don’t understand Christianity and God and Heaven and Hell. I don’t understand eternity. I don’t know if I like any of these things. I’m ashamed that I’m so confused, so lost. I’m ashamed that I can’t hold my own relationship with God (or really, with anyone). I’m ashamed that I feel broken when I can’t find a reason to be. I can’t find the source of my pain. I’m not who I should be. And I‘m scared.