Dependence

I haven’t sought You lately – looked for refuge, aid or even conversation. I’ve been locked inside a quiet, timid part of me. And I long desperately – and painfully – to break out – to crash into Your arms and Your plan and a stronger self. I thought I was beginning that I Israel. But now I’m back at school, and here I am – in the exact same, pathetic, self-centered, discontent self. I want to be so much more, but I refuse to make any effort that might cause myself the slightest discomfort. But the truth is that it won’t be comfortable to break out of my shell/bubble, and it won’t be comfortable to break into my new self. And it will probably be quite painful, and I know this. I accept this. In my head, I willingly embrace this because I so long for that new self. But the current me has become such a burden, she has me forgetting what I want, what I ‘m willing to give, who I long to be. She has me forgetting who I can be. She has me trapped in old routines and habits and details. She’s suffocating my future, and it terrifies me. It’s a painful condition – suffocating within this prison.

God, for the first time in a long time, I’m reaching out to You, calling out to You for help – for freedom, for salvation from myself, you are my strength when I am weak, – and God, You see this condition. You know I need You more now than I probably ever have. I know I need Your strength, so infuse me with it, with You. Remind me again to rely on You, to remember my own weakness but not lose hope, but to gain strength from my complete dependence on You.