Happy House

House’s happiness floats just above his head – just out of reach, taunting him by being so painfully close. And yet the control/string is in House’s hand. He could be holding happiness if only he could pull the string, but something stops him. Certainly he’s not incapable of pulling the string (although this may, at times, be his guise). Perhaps he doesn’t want happiness. Part of him doesn’t even believe in its reality. It’s an elusive, helium-filled balloon, which might offer a brief high but would leave him empty in the long-run. And maybe the part of him that does believe in and/or want to obtain happiness is held back by a self-loathing, which tells him he doesn’t deserve happiness or an arrogant mask that says he doesn’t need happiness and is doing fine without it. Part of him thinks he deserves to be tortured by this balloon – this image of something he cannot allow into his life. And so he dangles it close – always in view but never truly in reach.

We can say all these excuses for not pulling the balloon into his hands are the results of his childhood, society or profession. I suppose, ultimately, they are the sum of all his experiences and his birth-given qualities. They create the human condition: a wrestle with a balloon.

Holding On

Everything is traumatizing when you are little. It doesn’t take something big – just a small realization brought on by a small event. Like losing a friend or witnessing your family fighting or breaking your favorite toy or losing sight of your parents in a crowded place. Suddenly the world gets too big and you get too small, and everything changes – cause you thought it was all one way, but then everything flips, and things you thought were unbreakable begin to crack. And it all kind of scares the crap out of you. And then as you get older and you start coming to terms with the fact that this can happen to anything. Well then it starts taking something bigger to make you feel that way again, but make no mistake; you can still feel that way. You can always still feel that way. Because you keep finding things to hold onto because with the world spinning and flip-flopping, you’ve become increasing desperate for a solid foundation. But everything cracks, and eventually the thing you are holding slides from your fingers because nothing in this world is larger than sand, so the tighter your grip the quicker your loss. So maybe the only way to escape the world-upside-down, life-shattering feeling is to embrace that everything is temporary and learn to hold a moment, and learn to let it slip – because this sand will leave your fingers, but new sand will always find them.

Confession

I believe everyone tries to do their best and go from there. That’s why Christianity keeps getting me. It’s the only one true religion – the only way to Heaven but some people never hear about it, some people grow up in other homes and can’t see the difference between it and any other religion. And me – I haven’t lived my life better than any of my friends, I’m not trying any harder, living any holier. Given the knowledge gap, I’m not even proportionally doing as much with what I know as they are with what they know. Many of them are actively seeking a religion, searching for meaning, caring about their souls and all that. And I’m sitting in my room, desperately trying to shut them all out because I’m so confused myself. I’m ashamed of what others have done in the name of Christianity; I’m ashamed that I don’t have the answers (when I should, having had the opportunity for so much knowledge growing up); I’m ashamed that I really don’t understand Christianity and God and Heaven and Hell. I don’t understand eternity. I don’t know if I like any of these things. I’m ashamed that I’m so confused, so lost. I’m ashamed that I can’t hold my own relationship with God (or really, with anyone). I’m ashamed that I feel broken when I can’t find a reason to be. I can’t find the source of my pain. I’m not who I should be. And I‘m scared.

Look into your soul and ask for the holes

We’re all flirting with the darkness inside of ourselves. Maybe because it’s how we can deal with it. And maybe we’re so fascinated with it, so drawn to it – like a child to the flames – because it’s such a strong and suppressed presence within us. We’re these mixtures of good and evil, but so many people go around trying to pretend we’re made up of goodness, and evil is some outside force attacking us. But we know better. We know it’s our insides that tear us apart. And we desire – we need – nothing more than to know ourselves.

Dependence

I haven’t sought You lately – looked for refuge, aid or even conversation. I’ve been locked inside a quiet, timid part of me. And I long desperately – and painfully – to break out – to crash into Your arms and Your plan and a stronger self. I thought I was beginning that I Israel. But now I’m back at school, and here I am – in the exact same, pathetic, self-centered, discontent self. I want to be so much more, but I refuse to make any effort that might cause myself the slightest discomfort. But the truth is that it won’t be comfortable to break out of my shell/bubble, and it won’t be comfortable to break into my new self. And it will probably be quite painful, and I know this. I accept this. In my head, I willingly embrace this because I so long for that new self. But the current me has become such a burden, she has me forgetting what I want, what I ‘m willing to give, who I long to be. She has me forgetting who I can be. She has me trapped in old routines and habits and details. She’s suffocating my future, and it terrifies me. It’s a painful condition – suffocating within this prison.

God, for the first time in a long time, I’m reaching out to You, calling out to You for help – for freedom, for salvation from myself, you are my strength when I am weak, – and God, You see this condition. You know I need You more now than I probably ever have. I know I need Your strength, so infuse me with it, with You. Remind me again to rely on You, to remember my own weakness but not lose hope, but to gain strength from my complete dependence on You.

Farther

It’s dangerous – removing myself from everything like this. I can feel it. The world is farther away every day, and what’s worse is that I feel farther away every day. I wanted to protect myself, but I can’t even find myself anymore.

Entertain the Mundane

I think girls are more apt to cheat on their partner emotionally than physically. That’s our high, our rush – our need. We’re all looking for some emotional ride – something new, something – anything – we can get.

Boredom is perhaps my biggest fear – indefinite, impenetrable monotony. It’s different than all other pain – perhaps even worse, in some ways. Because boredom is absence. And we all need our existence acknowledge – first of all by ourselves. But there’s also worse pain – the more ambiguous, more difficult to pinpoint state of feeling less than boredom. The worst thing is to not feel anything. To not even care enough to feel boredom. It’s like not living. It’s like not existing. The thought of an eternity in which I can no longer summon the motivation to feel anything but apathy – that is far more terrifying than the thought of death. I like to think that I could always find something to enjoy, and everything can be rediscovered, and the universe is infinitely creating – faster than I could ever try to keep up with it. But the very idea that I could become an all-knowing or simply perpetually indifferent being is truly petrifying to me.

I think about how I could quite happily dedicate my whole life to being entertained and feel quite reasonably happy. Watching TV, listening to music, attending theme parks and generally not contributing in any way to society – it’s almost fulfilling enough on its own. But could I really do it? Could I really sustain that life? Possibly. If there weren’t the outside pressures, then maybe. They say life is about balancing what others expect from you and what you want for yourself. Sometimes I think the only reason anything ever gets accomplished is because the expectations of others are so strong. If I could turn these off, if I could truly live for myself, then maybe I could live with a life of purely being entertained. Or do I have stronger expectations of myself – expectation that don’t stem from anyone other than me? Or is my goal simply to always chase the next rush?

A Short Ramble

I've been really into these rambling posts lately. Unaltered, unabridged, unedited. They're somehow more genuine. But they're quite inaccessible. Difficult to read – a pain, an effort. You have to work through them to find any meaning amidst the ramble. And in some ways they feel a lot like any of my thoughts, sitting within a world waiting to be discovered but mostly unnoticed. But there's something to them – a subtle, hidden substance somewhere behind them – if you know how to look.

You, Me and We

You know how sometimes people say they wouldn’t change a thing about you because every piece of you makes you the way you are. That is hogwash. Nobody loves everything about anybody. Everyone has things they would change in others if they were given the chance. But the fact is there are some things that take a long time to change in people and some things you will never change, so it is simply easier to pretend to accept everything about everyone. It certainly takes less effort, and chances are it will save you (and, secondarily, others) some pain. But if you love someone you should be dedicated to changing them, to helping them evolve into better people, and hopefully they do the same for you, and hopefully you evolve with each other, and you both become better people who still love each other. And if we weren’t so selfish and scared, we could accept that maybe we will make each other into different people who don’t need each other, and we could learn to accept that because we are better, stronger people who can find other people who can love us enough – and who we can love enough – to be willing to change each other. And then we would always be growing, always evolving, always improving. And at first I was thinking we don’t do this because we are selfish and don’t want others to grow away from us, or because we are lazy and don’t want to put that much effort in, when it is easier to ride along life as you both are. But really, it is because we’re all paralyzed by fear. And we don’t want ourselves to change because we’re scared we won’t be loved again, and I don’t want you to change because I’m scared you will see all the reasons not to love me, and no one else will ever see the reasons to love me. and when I’m honest – despite all initial denials – I know this isn’t true. I know there are others who can love me. And I know I can teach myself to open up again, can persuade others to see me, can teach them to value me, while finding value in them. But I also know it will take time, and I know it will hurt. And I’m scared of the future because it seems to always get harder, and I keep striking the ground with my heals and grinding into the soil and doing my best not to be pulled anywhere because I’ve been pulled around my whole life, and I’ve forgotten how to lead and I’ve refused to take charge of myself. But you’ve taught me to teach you, and in turn, I’m learning to learn from myself. I’m learning how to pick up my heals. I’m learning to walk by myself. and maybe you’ll follow me. and maybe I’ll follow you. And maybe it doesn’t matter because we’ll always change. But I will always be me, and you will always be you, and in some ways, we’ll never be we, and in other ways we will always be. Maybe we have to be.

Infinity

My problem is not that I have the wrong things but that I want the wrong things. I hold onto the wrong ideas. I chase a permanent and lasting happiness, and so I am always sad. I long for love, and so I am lonely. I hold the idea of forever, and so I am always betrayed.

The truth is, actual happiness is something you come by maybe a couple of times a year. And day-to-day, you can find frequent appreciation of life and the miracle of the human conscious, but to expect to live in some continual cloud of bliss is a sadly unrealistic thought. As for the ideas of love and forever, they are worst when held together. If there is such thing as genuine, romantic love, as I suspect there may be, I have no delusions about its length. Few things are eternal, and human relationships are not among them. But if you are lucky enough to receive an injection of nature’s sweetest high, I say love the moment of it, the season of it, but don’t expect more of it or perpetuation and don’t even – if possible – label it. Inhale it deeply, because flowers smell sweet, and flowers prick, and flowers wither. Forever is a dangerous word by itself, though. I believe in forever. I believe in God, in Heaven, in Hell and in eternity. But I also currently live on Earth, and I believe in time and humanity and seasons. The waves of sweet and sour and all the flavors between – they’re all on an invisible clock, and maybe you can’t predict its timing exactly, but you can be sure that it is finite.